To my dear family and friends,

There is so much to do after a loved one passes, and I hope to help you so you can be more prepared in terms of the paperwork.

Even though it’s not a comfortable discussion to have (as no one wants to think about mortality!) talking about all of these things in advance will save you a lot of trouble when you no longer have the ability to talk about it.

My parents were very organized, so I was lucky enough not to have the added stress of looking for documents, accounts, and other paperwork. Because not everyone is that way, I’ve put together this short guide for you.

The funeral. First, know if there is a pre-paid funeral plan. If there is, the funeral planning process just got a lot easier for you! If there isn’t, it’s still not that hard—a good funeral director will be your best friend through the process. If there is a burial with an open casket viewing (and not a cremation or immediate burial), note that embalming needs to take place within 24 hours of death, so you’ll need to know what funeral home you’re using.

The death certificate: the funeral director will get the death certificates done for you. You’ll need to know the deceased’s social security number, mother’s maiden name, father’s name, place of birth, location of death (the facility name and county where it is located), occupation, and education level. The funeral director will complete the disposition and funeral home information and send it to the doctor for the medical certification. You will need to know how many death certificates you want, and the cost will be included in the cost of the funeral. But more on that later…

You will need to choose a burial site in a cemetery. My parents purchased their burial vault in 1973, so I didn’t have to do that. And the nice thing about the cemetery they chose is, the mortuary is located at the same place.

You will need to choose a casket. They are made of wood, steel, silver, or bronze. And they don’t come cheap!

You will need to bring clothes to the funeral home for the burial. The funeral home usually dresses the body the day before the service for an open casket, and invites the family to come and make sure everything looks as you wish it to.

The funeral director will also ask you if you wish to purchase flowers. They generally have a florist they work with, and if you purchase casket flowers and/or a stand, you can usually get a discount if you use that floral shop.

If the deceased was in the military, you’ll want to find the military discharge papers. The funeral director will contact the military branch, and they will be at the gravesite to fold and present the flag. Also, the military will provide a single marker headstone for free if you desire. You may also be eligible for a burial allowance.

The obituary: whatever you want to say is of course, up to you. You can write the obituary and give it to the funeral director and he/she will send it to the newspaper(s) of your choice. You’ll need to know what days you want it to run. The obituary will cost a certain amount per line, and a line is generally around 7 words. Adding a photo costs more as well! Here, you need the date of birth, date of death, and you may want to include the mother’s full name (including maiden name), father’s name, spouse’s name, children, grandchildren, hobbies, interests, church affiliations. You’ll also want to include the date and time of the service, location, viewing information, and internment information.

The program for the service: again, whatever you want to do is up to you. The standard items you’ll want to think about are pallbearers, honorary pallbearers, officiant (person conducting the service. If you don’t have anyone, the funeral director is more than happy to do it for you), family prayer, prelude and postlude music (the funeral home can pipe music in from their own CD or music you want to bring in), invocation, eulogy, benediction and the dedication of the grave.

While you’re making decisions at the funeral home, you’ll have to decide on a program cover and memory book. The program comes in two sizes, small and large. The funeral home has standard program covers, or you can make your own with photos or other artwork. Don’t forget, there are four sides to the program and you can use all four if you want. The programs usually come in sets of 100, as do the thank you cards, and again you’ll have to choose the cover to the card. Most of the time you can purchase it all in a package. The memory books come in different types as well—cardboard covers, plastic covers, leather covers, and wood covers.

Then there is the headstone. Many cemeteries are now requiring in-ground monuments instead of the type that stand up. The funeral director can often tell you what monument company they work with, and you can usually get a discount if you use that monument company. You’ll have to choose the color of granite, the design, and if the deceased was married, you can opt to engrave the spouse’s name and date of birth at the time the monument is made. The monument company has a lot of standard designs or you can bring in your own.

Just remember, funerals don’t come cheap. Besides all of the things listed above, you have to pay for the services of the funeral director and staff, the use of the facility if you’re doing the viewing and/or service there, the hearse, and the limousine. Our final cost for my dad was $16,200.00!

Important papers: it is so much easier if you know where all the important papers are kept. Here are some things to keep in mind:

Wills: if there is a will, know where it is located. Sometimes you may find that the document has been altered several times. If so, have a new, clean document drawn up so there is no question about the deceased’s wishes. In fact, a will is a dynamic document that should be revisited often. You’ll save a lot of headache if there is only one will that has no handwriting on it other than the signatures.

Insurance policies: do you know the life insurance company name and the policy number(s)? You’ll need a death certificate for each life insurance company.

Bank accounts: do you know where they bank and the account numbers? Each bank will need a death certificate as well in order to close the account. One thought here is, you may want to consider a payable on death account, especially in a community property state like Idaho or California. Without one, or if the person dies without a will, you may be forced to file paperwork with the court as the personal representative and get a court order allowing you to close the account.

Credit cards: you’ll need to notify the credit card companies and close the account. Some will require a death certificate, others will not. If there is a balance on a credit card, call and ask if there is credit life insurance that will pay off the account balance upon death.

Loans and investments: if there are outstanding loans, you probably want to know about them now so you can be prepared to pay them. If there are investments such as stock, options, futures accounts, CDs, annuities, you’ll need to know the company name and account numbers. To close the accounts, you’ll most likely need death certificates.

Titles: you will have to change the title to automobiles, homes and other property. You’ll need to locate the titles and deeds, and you may need death certificates for each. Before you do anything though, you will probably want to consult with an accountant or tax attorney, otherwise you may end up with a tax nightmare!

Outstanding bills: you will want to make a list of all the bills that come monthly, quarterly, semi-annually or annually. The estate is still responsible for making all these payments, so be prepared to pay them.

Count up the number of death certificates you think you’ll need and add a few, just in case. If you don’t get enough, you can order them yourself through the state, or contact the funeral director, and he/she will order more for you.

Phone calls: besides all of the calls you’ll be making to life insurance companies, financial institutions and creditors, here are some other calls you’ll need to make:

Social security: there may be a one-time benefit to a surviving spouse or dependent children, or an increase in benefits to the surviving spouse. Call early in the morning—you’ll have a better chance of getting someone to answer the phone! If the deceased is on Medicare, social security will also notify Medicare.

Health insurance: you will want to contact the health insurance company. I had to call two places because part of my dad’s health insurance was covered by AARP (the prescription drug program).

Pension plan: it is important to know where the pension checks are coming from. You will want to contact them as soon as possible, otherwise you’ll have to pay them back. Depending on the type of pension payment, there may be a continued benefit for the surviving spouse.

Subscriptions: you’ll want to go through the mail to cancel subscriptions and any other unnecessary things that come in.

Because every situation will be different, you may have other preparations, paperwork, and calls you need to make. But this is meant to be a starting point for you, to help ease the burden a bit.

Now for that fun caveat: even though I am an attorney, this is by no means meant to be legal advice. Consult a wills and estate attorney or a tax attorney for more in-depth information about wills, and money issues as the laws are different from state to state and they change often!

It's Father's Day today.

My dad broke my heart last month by passing away unexpectedly.

I'm still trying to process what happened and why. I'm still trying to figure out a new routine, going from a family of four to a family of three. I'm still trying to deal with notifying banks, closing credit cards, life insurance, health insurance, car insurance, homeowners insurance, etc.

It has often been said that death is harder on the living, and it is so true. There are so many things to do after the death of a loved one, and it takes time and energy. But more on that next week...

Today, I want to remember my dad.

He was a happy man, and I have proof--every person I have talked to says the same thing. He was always laughing and smiling and he enjoyed life. If he was troubled, you didn't know about it. If he was sad or angry, you didn't know about it. All you knew was the pleasure he had in living, and the joy he took in the things he did.

It's an outlook most of us don't have. We worry about paying the bills. We worry about what to cook for dinner. We worry about things we don't have control over. And that worry is verbalized and projected into the world.

In retrospect, my dad taught me that life is about living fully and being present and we should enjoy the people and things we have.

The words to a song keep playing over and over in my head, "You don't know what you've got until it's gone, and I found out a little too late."

These words are so true, and I have a lot of regrets about things on my part--unkept promises, short tempers and impatience, selfishness and disrespect--all toward a man who gave me life and love and everything I ever wanted.

Today I wish I could hug him and tell him I love him. I wish we could go for a drive and to the reservoir to fish. I wish we could work in the garden together. I wish we could just sit down and talk because there is so much I don't know about him.

But the time is gone and he has left me.

So I'm sorry dad, that we don't get to be together in this life any longer. But if I know you, you're having a great time with your brother, your mom and dad, and other relatives and friends you've grieved over.

Thank you for being my hero ... I love you!